New York psychotherapist Chamin Ajjan said habitual infidelity is often driven by unresolved trauma and compulsive behavior rather than a simple desire for sexual pleasure. Ajjan told the Daily Mail that a cheater's response to being exposed reveals whether their actions stem from an isolated betrayal or a destructive pattern likely to continue.
Ajjan explained that repetitive cheating can serve as an attempt to regulate painful emotions. "There might be underlying trauma, and they might be using sex as a way to numb past childhood trauma or the pain that they've experienced in the past," Ajjan said. "It's more of an act of regulation and a way to calm their nervous system, and it's less about pleasure."
According to Ajjan, the reaction following betrayal distinguishes a one-time offender from a serial cheater. A person responsible for an isolated affair will often immediately express remorse. In contrast, a serial cheater may minimize the pain caused, blame their partner, and feel worse about being caught than about the betrayal itself.
Serial cheaters can also feel entitled to the experience or become addicted to the excitement and risk of getting away with an affair. In some cases, the forbidden nature of the act becomes part of the appeal.
Ajjan noted that neurochemistry can also drive compulsive infidelity. "They have a higher reward sensitivity, meaning that they're chasing dopamine, and the behavior - the sexual indiscretion is more like a neurobiological itch that they were struggling to inhibit," she explained. "They're just really having a difficult time managing."
Behavioral changes and relationship warning signs
Ajjan, who has practiced couples and sex therapy for more than 20 years in New York, said a dramatic change in behavior is often one of the first clues of infidelity. However, she emphasized that this behavioral shift is not always negative.
While some unfaithful partners become distant, critical, or argumentative, others suddenly become unusually attentive. They may shower their partner with gifts, compliments, and affection in an effort to compensate for guilt.
"It's a complete shift in the level of affection," Ajjan said. "So, all of a sudden, they are showering you with gifts. Or they're intensely, overly affectionate, or giving you strange or unusual compliments."
Changes in intimacy and sex life
Unexpected changes in a couple's sex life represent another clear indication of potential cheating, according to Ajjan. A partner might suddenly lose interest in intimacy, or conversely, exhibit an unexpected surge in sexual energy.
"Your therapy senses are activated when a couple who has had a pretty regular, sexual, or intimate routine [and] there's a sharp change in that," Ajjan said. "They, all of a sudden, have intense sexual energy out of nowhere, or they're using new sexual moves or techniques. Or showing preferences in things that they never were interested in before, without it being a conversation that you're having."
An unexplained personality shift can also serve as a subtle warning sign. A partner who once seemed easygoing may suddenly become overly critical, picking fights over insignificant issues or constantly pointing out flaws. Ajjan said this behavior creates emotional distance while allowing the unfaithful partner to justify their own actions by convincing themselves their significant other is somehow to blame.
Micro cheating and emotional connections
Infidelity remains one of the most common reasons people seek therapy, according to Ajjan. However, she noted that she works more often with individuals trying to understand why they were betrayed than with couples attempting to repair the relationship together.
Ajjan explained that every relationship defines cheating differently. While many people view physical affairs as the ultimate betrayal, others are more troubled by micro-cheating, where someone develops an intimate emotional connection online without ever becoming physically involved.
Ajjan said some clients have told her they would be less upset if their partner had a one-time sexual encounter than if they discovered months of secret emotional conversations. "It's not for me to tell the client what is and what is not cheating. It's for me to help them understand how the behavior has impacted them," the therapist explained.
"I could see how each one of those behaviors can be damaging. Damaging to a sense of self, damaging to the relationship. And there are some people who have a partner who's cheating physically, and to them, it doesn't impact them," she continued. "So, in therapy, we often have a saying, if it's not a problem, it's not a problem."
Rebuilding trust and relationship transparency
Although discovering an affair can devastate a relationship, Ajjan said it does not always have to signal the end. In some cases, couples emerge stronger after confronting the underlying issues that contributed to the betrayal.
One of the first steps Ajjan recommends is a practice called temporary transparency. This can include open-device policies, sharing locations, and being more forthcoming about daily routines while trust is gradually rebuilt.
However, Ajjan warned against allowing those measures to become permanent surveillance. "People do it on their Snapchat, which can be problematic if a partner is on Snapchat, because often that serves as a way to have those quick, inappropriate conversations," she explained. Instead, something as simple as leaving phones face-up can help demonstrate there is nothing to hide without creating an unhealthy dependence on constant monitoring.
Ultimately, rebuilding a relationship requires understanding what drove the affair in the first place rather than focusing solely on the act of cheating itself. "The indiscretion didn't come out of nowhere, and it's not necessarily about the partner, it's about some kind of internal struggle that the client is dealing with, so spending time to understand what that connection gave the partner, what needs were being felt [and] filled by it," Ajjan said.
Ajjan believes infidelity is far more common than many people realize because those affected often suffer in silence rather than discussing it openly with friends or family. "As somebody who sees this happen all the time, don't suffer in silence. It can feel very shameful to have your partner cheat on you, but it's happened to more people than we know about, because people aren't talking about it, so look for your support," she said. "Get the support you need, whether that's individual therapy, or whether it's just you're within your community. Talk to people, and be open to the possibility, if you want, to repair your relationship, and your partner wants to repair your relationship. It is possible, it's not easy, but it is possible."
