By intertwining literature, philosophy and poetry, the physical pain that overlaps with the psychic one can narrate to explode in silence. The writer proves Ilaria Palomba that, in the Memoir Purgatory -published by Alter Ego Edizioni and reported to the Witch 2025 Award -, retraces its past, in which it is placed An attempted suicideputting his fragility and above all the path of redemption of his identity.
For her, writing has always been catharsis and sacrifice. Has retracing and materializing your physical and psychological suffering in this book was helpful?
“Scripture, for me, is an evolution of the spirit, but it can also be an involution. Depending on how much you are willing to sacrifice the depth of a novel comes out. Certainly the posture with which I turned to my experience to dissolve it was also helpful. “
From what he writes he deduces he lived in hell, he did not believe in paradise and found himself catapulted into Purgatory. What does this “metaphysical place” in which she lives?
«Paradise is a vain illusion for us who are in Purgatory, in this place of atonement. The paradise of the senses is only the hypothesis of a life that we cannot have. I believe that the purgatory in which I live is the whole planet, sometimes threatened by hell, by people who reveal themselves rivals ».
In his existence there is a first and after his “jump in the void”. What regrets?
«I regret my body, the freedom of eroticism. Even just about the photos of what I was before makes me angry. The others continue to see me beautiful, but, after so many interventions, in the mirror I see the scales of the monster that dragged me into purgatory. Inevitably they are no longer the same, but I know that anger does not bring anywhere. Returning to the world after the period in resuscitation and spinal unit, I felt cried in the joint capsules everything that hurts me. I became aware of the fact that the love given to others was superior to the love I had for life “.
The good news is that, despite the severity of the phenomenon, the data show a significant drop, in the last thirty years, of suicide rates, which from 1990 to 2021 have reduced by 40%
What relationship does it have with the death that, several times, has tried to meet in a close way?
“Death and life are two faces of the origin, such as the illusion of dynamism. Death is a passage, we seek when you want a transformation. That change I was looking for too, but, after trying to crumble my body, I woke up pierced by my own body. Life appears to me the most extreme manifestation of the absurd and suicide remains the last cry of war against senselessness. But I cannot waste the reserve life with the thoughts I had in the other ».
Taking advantage of his personal experience, who believes should intervene to manage the fragility that often weaken our minds?
«The guides are missing. Often those who should guide us look in the mirror and seduce without really knowing how to lead. The cure should be constant, without place or space. Unfortunately, however, human time is devoured by the craving to reach standards, to be like someone else. We should transform what is called diversity into power. But often, you can’t do it alone ».
What role has love played – precisely the emotional and sexual dependence – in its “derailment”?
“I lived a devourer and psychotic form of love for a man who I perceived like a lover, a father and a teacher. A person who brought me to certain levels of literary awareness and then abandoned me because there was too much competition. I suffered, deprived of that feeling so intense as to burn alive. I wanted justice, compared to the many injustices suffered, but I only hurt myself. Maybe I would have liked to be him ».
And his conflicting relationship with his parents?
«Unfortunately my family has never allowed me to grow, to get out of the shell. I had overprotective, controlling, castrating parents. They instilled my sense of guilt for the extreme gesture, of which perhaps I had never even supposed were partially responsible. Yet, in the hospital by my side I found myself. The same that I considered my torturers. Everything is ambivalent ».
Since girl, her daily life has also been characterized by addiction to drugs. Do you think have been attempts to fill empty and fragility?
«Yes, let’s say I used unconventional antidepressants. Taking drugs filled with empty and I felt invincible. I have stopped for six years, many friends have died of overdose. And then I need an integral mind ».
If he could go back, would he adopt other solutions to fill those voids?
“I would immediately study philosophy of religions, I would focus on the academic career and I would never try to align myself with the dictates of publishing. In this way I would not have suffered when I was defined without talent. I had to face a long journey to turn my back on the criticisms and recognize that I am not aligned with the market, I am elitist, but not talented ».
Are there any voids in its existence?
“The void I feel is linked to identity. Sometimes I feel disproved, as if in my place a stunt double lived capable of shielding itself from a real that is burning for the other. I try to make this part of me speak only in writing. I threw the keys to the cell. The new me is looking for the extreme light ».
Source: Vanity Fair
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