“How to say no”: expert gives tips on how to set boundaries in relationships

In a world where people struggle with anxiety, depression and burnout, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab has some solutions.

Setting boundaries with others can help avoid some of these problems, said Nedra, who wrote the book “Set Boundaries and Find Peace: A Guide to Finding Yourself,” available in Portuguese.

However, the increase in pressure during pandemic multitasking at work and at home has made setting boundaries even more difficult, she notes, forcing people to reevaluate their lives and learn to say no.

“Life is full of choices and I think of limits as choices,” she said. “People will always want you to do something. If we always do what people want us to do, we will be very busy.”

in conversation with the CNN the therapist helps illuminate choices so people can regain control of their lives, set healthy boundaries, and enjoy more fulfilling relationships.

The following conversation has been edited and summarized for clarity.

CNN: What connection did you see between pandemic burnout and the workplace and setting boundaries?

Nedra Tawwab: Many of us were already exhausted and the pandemic really got us there, made us evaluate the factors that were leading to the burnout . For many of us, it was the unhealthy work and relationships we were in. The pandemic highlighted something that was already present.

CNN: How do you think these factors contributed to the “Great Layoff”?

NT: At the beginning of the pandemic, many of us were placed in situations we could never have imagined. We now know that the life can be flexible , we know that we can manage multiple roles. People are trying to figure out how to make a living without doing it all their lives. We are in a state of re-evaluating what seems important. He can not be worth it go through things that we’re dealing with at work.

CNN: For someone who has never set boundaries before but knows that change is needed, where do you start?

NT: Start with your feelings. Where are you feeling frustrated or resentful? When these feelings arise, what are you doing in response? Are you tolerating it or are you trying to make a difference in your life? It will be helpful if you start making a difference by saying, “This is a space where I need to say no.”

We need to create spaces where people can focus on what they need without being overwhelmed with tasks.

CNN: Why is it so hard for people to say no?

NT: It’s not about always complying with everything someone asks of you. Sometimes you need to back off, sometimes you have doubts, and sometimes you need support. You have to figure out how to balance the energy of wanting to be loved and wanting to be a good professional.

CNN: How do you strike that balance and how do you know which side you need to be on?

NT: Recognize your ability. When do you get anxious or frustrated about getting things done? When do you start to notice that your mood is changing with your co-workers or loved ones because you are irritated? Immerse yourself in what you feel when you are asked to do another project. What comes to you? Are you getting anxious? Do you have time to fit this in? Are you starting to have a physical reaction to taking on too many things? That’s where you learn to put a limit.

CNN: In your work as a therapist, have you seen correlations between increased anxiety, lack of boundaries, and workplace stress over the past two years?

NT: I think workplace anxiety shows up as an unintentional slowdown. You become more relaxed in your duties, unintentionally. You become more paralyzed, worry about completing things, or get anxious about how this person might feel if you say no. There is anxiety around the way in which you can complete your work tasks. I’ve seen most show up as a slowdown and a lack of motivation and determination.

CNN: What guidance do you have for people who know they need to have a difficult conversation?

NT: People have said no before, and I think our brain tricks us. You know how to say no to some things, but you don’t know how to say no to everything. Are there other areas of life where you say no – what makes you feel comfortable in those spaces? And what makes you feel uncomfortable in these spaces? We have to be guided by “Why do I think this is going to backfire? Why do I think this will not be well received?” It’s often a narrative we’re telling ourselves and it’s rarely the truth.

CNN: What about sensitive conversations where the stakes are higher? For example, with a boss, father or father-in-law.

NT: Start with vulnerability. It can be helpful to tell people, “For my mental health, I can’t commit to doing this extra thing because I’m already too swamped.” Use words to describe what mental health is. What you may be experiencing is anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, and you may say, “I’m overloaded with tasks. I get very frustrated because I can’t find the right words to say no. So when you challenge me, it makes me feel like it’s not safe to say no.”

CNN: What if that person thinks you’re being disrespectful or rude? How do you lead this conversation?

NT: I think a lot about family with this situation. Explain that you understand that it was probably different with your parents and list the things you have in common: “We believe in love, community, connection, togetherness. I believe it’s OK for me to have a difference of opinion. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in love, community, connection, togetherness. That means my opinion is different about some things, but I still love the family, even though I’m trying to have some things that are different for me.”

CNN: In the last couple of years, people have started to learn about the things that make them work and live better. For those who are self-employed, what tips do you have for reducing the potential for burnout?

NT: We drive most cars in the zero to maybe 80 range, and mostly around the 60 to 70 km/h marker. You cannot exist at 80, and you cannot exist at zero. Many of us will try to exist in that higher number, and it’s like you’re speeding through life.

You’re missing all the important moments because you can’t slow down. There’s something about taking the scenic route sometimes because life is meant to be enjoyed. Intentional deceleration is important. We need to practice being less productive and figure out how to stay relaxed.

CNN: In the last couple of years, have you had to create new boundaries or break old boundaries?

NT: I’ve been practicing intentional limits around how I allocate time.

Sometimes, in our race to be busy and productive, we’re just saying yes. Sometimes a present yes is also a future yes – so I think, “Is this going to be a problem at Christmas? So let me say no in advance. Because I know I won’t be available – I’ll be watching everything Hallmark and Lifetime have to offer.”

Source: CNN Brasil

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